Let's back up to my "uncoolness."
Wait. Let's start with my original "coolness."
Michigan. 2nd Grade. I was "cool." I had friends- good friends. Boys chased me at recess. I held my friends' (who were girls) hands at story time and didn't care when Russell Potter made fun of us. I wrote notes to my bff Courtney Funk and vividly remember the teacher telling me to change the "c" in her last name to an "n" one time and I had no idea what I had really spelled. I had sleep overs. I was "in shape" or at least not overweight at that time. I belonged. I had confidence - not really knowing back then, that I had it. I just was. And I was "cool."
Fast forward to after 2nd Grade when our family moved to Wisconsin and I started attending a private school. I don't even know what happened, but I definitely lost my "coolness." Maybe Wisconsin had different requirements to make it into the "cool club" but regardless, I never made it. I was a full out dork. But I liked myself - or I thought I did- but I ended up turning to food throughout my loneliness- and I didn't even know I was lonely at the time. I got along with everyone - or I thought I did. I remember overhearing a girl in middle school saying to someone else, "Stephanie's actually being nice today" and a part of me died. When was I not nice? No matter what, I DIDN'T make it to anything cool and I surely wasn't confident.
Fast forward to High School. High School was amazing. I went from a class of 9 kids in 8th grade to over 400 students in the 9th grade. I wasn't a sore thumb. I dropped 40+ pounds over that summer before HS started. I was again, nowhere near cool, but I knew everyone- even if they didn't know me. I remember the first person I heard swearing. Mike Devitt: "What the hell time is it?" (I couldn't believe he cussed out loud, in school!) I remember making an AWESOME map in my history class and forgetting to put my name on it. When my teacher held it up and said there was no name, I said, "Dude. That's mine." REALLY? DUDE? I NEVER said DUDE. BUT it came out. See, NOT COOL. My sister, ever so graciously, let me sit with her and her friends at lunch or study hall, or whenever it was that our times overlapped for the year we were in the same school.
High School church youth group. I felt cool, but looking back, I'm pretty sure I wasn't. I did have confidence and I did have some stellar friends, but I was still, by far, a dork. Although, since I believe that confidence equals coolness, then at this point as I'm writing this, I was cool... but now I'm babbling and getting off track.
My COOLNESS was definitely missing when I went to college. The FIRST DAY of classes, I tripped on the stairs outside the dorm and literally tumbled down the cement steps, with my heavy backpack helping to throw me into a full-out somersault. Humiliating. I didn't pick up on ANY signs that a boy(s) liked me-even when later they tell me they did. I didn't date my entire college life. I didn't even realize that people at my school broke the Code of Conduct until I was into the second half of my senior year - talk about naive. I had a best friend there - Katie - who I actually get to see tomorrow which is thrilling the heck out of me. She helped make me feel normal. She was cool. Cool in her own dorky way (I love you Katie) but in the same way that I was - except she was all "School Spirit" and I was all, "Why do I have to pay a Student Activity Fee every year when I don't go to any of the activities?" Still, I was lacking confidence throughout college.
After college. My own apartment. Getting into the mentality that I was a teacher & learning how to teach. Working part time as a waitress at Chili's. Working part time at a gas station on Saturday mornings. When did I REALLY start to feel "cool?" Well, that's easy. The Dry Bean. A dancing bar/restaurant that was crazy packed with people on Thursday nights. I had friends. We danced. We sang karaoke. Boys bought us drinks. I RADIATED confidence when I was there. I was a regular. I was cool. But I didn't know it at the time.
REALLY fast forward to now. Present life. In my 30's. I wouldn't call myself cool, but I'm starting to wonder if I am...
At school I worked with some wonderful people. Several of which, at one point or another, said that I was "cool." And because of that, they invited me to things and wanted to sit with me. Me? Cool?
Some of my students tried to be like me. Okay, that doesn't count. They didn't know any better and didn't realize that I was really a big dork. But, I do believe it's possible to be a "cool dork."
At my current part time job, people confide in me. I've got the scoop on a lot of things going on. I know how to keep a secret. Maybe that makes me cool. Or maybe just that people trust me makes me cool.
One of my husband's friends who I think is cool (Jordon), always makes me feel good about myself. She seems to be the definition of CONFIDENT. If she's cool and likes me, then maybe that makes me cool.
I've also reached a point in my life where I don't really care what people think about me anymore. I am ME. I think that makes me confident...? Wait. That DOES make me confident. I am confident in who I am.
So, this story was a lot different in my head before I started writing. But my biggest thought is this: When you have confidence in yourself, you are COOL- whether you know it or not. So to those of you who are unsure of yourself, start believing in yourself and your abilities. It will change your life.
Every day, week, month, and year that goes by, I find myself a little more confident in who I am. And at some point in my life, I became cool... and apparently, according to my own thoughts, I'm only going to get cooler.
Happy Sunday!
No comments:
Post a Comment